That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
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I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Me trying to reach for my goals
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
girls literally only want one thing..
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.