I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
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My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.