My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
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One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH