There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
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wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
December birthdays be like…
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.