[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
You Might Also Like
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
This will never not be funny 😭
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”