When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
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Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Otters see a butterfly.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go