Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
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My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid