I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
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8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
ok like just. call me at this point
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.