Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
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If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing