My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
You Might Also Like
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
where the womens at?
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
I need to update my racial profile.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
I wanna be friends with this person
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.