i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
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Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …