Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
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Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…