Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
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It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work