*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
You Might Also Like
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Shark week, but for squirrels.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it