I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
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The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Me trying to walk in a dream
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.