“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
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There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Meow
If you are reading this then you are reading this
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.