Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
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*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
I have obtained a hat
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Seems legit
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.