Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
You Might Also Like
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Breaking news:
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros