[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
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Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
You better watch out
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.