[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
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Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
This was my dad’s browser history.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders