My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
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Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night