An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
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I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests