My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
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Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.