[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
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All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
✌️
When you try jalapeños for the first time
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks