My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
You Might Also Like
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.