I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
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I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
From my Mom
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Jesus Christ lmao
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”