[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
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Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph