My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
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I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…