[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
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1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
dictator is short for richard potato
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.