Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
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Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.