I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
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[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
🤣🤣
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.