Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
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beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
I drew y’all a little something.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
According to math, I’m broke
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name