Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
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Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
This is my favorite one of these!
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
The funk soul brother
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday