“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
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One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…