I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
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Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids