Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
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What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
I used to be married, but I’m better now
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
watergate? u mean a dam??
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
no cat here
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]