Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
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an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.