I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
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If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Time heals everything 🙂
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro