Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
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Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.