[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
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You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.