My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
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mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊