I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
You Might Also Like
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
fired
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”