Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
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wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Just as the prophecy foretold
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch