an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
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I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.