Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
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Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
let’s discuss
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.