[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
You Might Also Like
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.