Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
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I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
#Caturday
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.