my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
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Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
some Old Testament wisdom
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes