walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
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*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he鈥檒l get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don鈥檛 say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don鈥檛 worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that鈥檒l follow you to the grave.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
[cats plan a heist]
Ok鈥ax, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um鈥ny ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
I鈥檓 the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
馃槀馃槀
My 5yo鈥檚 Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn鈥檛 be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we鈥檙e friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
me: THAT鈥橲 IT YOU鈥橰E GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you鈥檙e the dumbest in your friend group
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.