Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
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Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.